Bad Hair Life

This is for all those people who don't have great hair. I don't have great hair any more, and between you and me, I blame Oregon. Because let's face it, Oregon is messed up. Yeah I like Oregon too, it's beautiful, but the ocean is FREEZING, and it rains a LOT... and talk about a state full of the worst drivers in the world!!! Morons!!! And frankly, my feet have been doing very poorly here, but my feet are a different post all together... back to my hair. When I was a young lad thriving on the east coast, my hair looked fantastic. Teachers in school used to say to me "your hair is FANTASTIC" and I gave them the look that said: "I know." They weren't the only ones who knew of my luscious locks. Let me drop a few names: My mom, Rebecca, Maria, and my first girlfriend Kara. They knew I had great hair, and they all dated me just so they could touch it... except my mom... and Rebecca. Honestly, who dates their mom? But Rebecca, she was a devout secular catholic as well as a super CRUEL girl, who educated me in the teenage arts of manipulative flirtation, and getting people jealous so you can get someone else's attention. For example, Rebecca liked Karl the German kid, who didn't have fantastic hair: his hair was cruel, and curly, and black but he was my friend none the less. But this Karl was dating Kate, who we called "cat nap" (because she was always taking naps) and Rebecca wanted to be dating Karl. Such is the way of teenagers: they are slave to hormones, fashion, bad decisions, drama dating, and poor eating habits. So Rebecca used me, and my fantastic hair, to make Karl the German, jealous... so that he might be interested in her, instead of "cat nap." So Rebecca faked that she liked me, and went out with me, and flirted with me whenever Karl was paying attention... and me, I was crushed... i was your average looser who was angry, and pathetic... with fantastic hair! But Rebecca's ploy worked, because at one of our life-guard parties, Karl, and Rebecca would disappear for 20 minutes or so, and then re-appear all flushed and nervous. This would cause me to go nuts in my head! I think I gave myself a few gray hairs over this high-school drama... and get this. I was a life guard, and so was "cat nap" and Rebecca, but cruel haired Karl... he worked the concession stand. How could a candy salesman beat out a life guard with fantastic hair and moderate buff-ness. Yet, such was my lifeguard career. So then I left for college with fantastic hair, 23 grand in cash money, and a whole arsenal of cruel dating and manipulation techniques... and I regret to tell you, I used those techniques on many a poor lass. Then one Sunday morning, I repented of all my cruel selfish dating debacles, and cut off all my fantastic hair to remember my repentance. Not long after that, I moved to Oregon, and my hair suffered great tragedy, and so did my feet... but that's another post for another time. Then after five years of living in Oregon "the bad hair with super lame drivers state" I met and married the woman of my dreams... who just happens to have, FANTASTIC hair! I don't know how she does it, my friend with the gift of "getting people to do what he wants them to do" would say, she's blessed with the gift of "FABULOUS HAIR."